The Mortifying Tales of a Flustered Youth
by EPICNESS RULES
Summary: He was a young boy, whose dream was having his brother's blood pool around his feet like his father. Instead he was stuck with Uzumaki Naruto, the girl! An unexpected, bloodthirsty rival, a meddling nurse and troublesome dog with a pension for mischief; Not to mention a 'kind' grandfather who wouldn't mind ending his bloodline with him. Could his days get any worse?
1. Chapter 1

**Rewritten version of this, enjoy**

 **Disclaimer : I DON'T OWN THIS FRANCHISE!**

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 **1\. When Uchiha Sasuke knew his day was going to be bad.**

"… _Hate me…little brother."_ Uchiha Sasuke awoke, startled out of nightmarish dreams of Itachi, with sweat pouring down his browns, the young child ran his hands through his brunette locks. His night shirt damped with perspiration, he slapped his face sitting up, so that his mind would not recall his 'dreams'. Sasuke gritted his teeth in frustration, removing his wet cotton night shirt from his body, throwing it half-heartedly on the ground. His blanket pooling around his waist, with black eyes wandering to window, the curtains parted in the middle revealing the nighttime's only source of natural light. Eyes trained on the moon that stayed centre in sky, watching under a reverent haze as the moon began to drip blood. Sasuke's eyes widen, his mouth slackened in shock as the blood began forming words _'Hate Me'_.

He screamed, in a hurry he threw himself on the ground. Clutching his head, shaking like a leaf in strong wind. The room was silent with the exception of Sasuke's laboring breaths, which increased bringing his trembling hand to his heart, in trying to still his body. With misguided bravery he raised his head over his bed, which to some might have brought relief as there was nothing there, but to Sasuke it left him alone with his most hated enemy, his thoughts.

"Itachi." He spat venomously.

Even though Sasuke despised his older brother, moments like these lost between his recurring nightmares, and self-induced loneliness, made him realized how much he missed his brother's warm presence, from a simple hug right down to his wordless expression of love by poking his forehead. Times like this made realized with great denial afterwards that nothing could take the place of his brother's company. The clarity of these moments made his realized that no matter what Itachi did to him, love would always be his answer.

Moments like this made him realize that no matter what he did or how far he would go to achieve his revenge, he would always hesitate in delivering the final blow.

Sasuke touched his forehead; the cold spot warmed by the remembrance of Itachi's gentle pokes. He grimaced, moments like this is why he hated himself and not his brother.

 **2\. It got worse.**

Uchiha's do not run…was the biggest lie his ancestors ever told, thought Sasuke who took off with a speed that would make the Yondaime weep in jealousy, the moment he was spotted like a corner prey by the hybrid beast known as 'fangirls'.

Uchiha's do not hide, to hide from anyone, to hide is to show your back and provide your enemies with exploitable weakness. Whoever came up with that crockshit should take it and shove it right back up their assholes, Sasuke thought. He was crouched under a shrubbery bush located near an abandoned tea shop located in eastern side of Konoha's shopping district; this district was approximately six minutes run from the academy. Please do not ask Sasuke how he knows this.

He sneezed, "Sasuke-kun, is that you my love calling me?" his eyes dilated in fear, slowly easing his way out of the bush, just a few inches more to his freedom. Five inches…oh freedom it tastes so sweet until he bumped into Yamanka Ino, standing above him with a charming smile plastered on her face.

He resisted the urge to whimper.

Sasuke sucked his teeth, sighing in reluctant resignation. He winced, the tugs on his arms becoming too painful to bear, as he failed to ignore the loud and unbearable cat fight occurring between Sakura and Ino, the two insistent on the thought that he was in love with them.

Let him enunciate, spell, stress, bring to attention that at the tender age of 10 years, two years shy before dreaded puberty, he shivered. He at this point did not desire female companionship, and no that did not make him gay. The only thing he desired was his brother dead at his feet.

''GOOD MORNING SAKURA-CHAN!'' yelled the ever obnoxious voice of Uzumaki Naruto. Shifting the two rapid beast attentions away from him, they snarled in frustration.

"Stupid Naruto."

Sasuke sighed relenting to his fate. It was now safe to say his day got worse.

 **3\. It got weirder.**

Sasuke easily sidestepped Naruto's hasty punch, ducking under the wide swing. He quickly caught off guard when Naruto manage to knee his face in. He staggered back in pain, furious at the teasing smile seem the blonde's face. He eyes narrowed noting the way Naruto kept jumping in one position. The blonde male shot off with a speed unseen before surprising the young Uchiha, before he could process what was happening. His fist shot out automatically delivering a devastating punch to Naruto's unguarded abdomen.

He watched in unease satisfaction, Naruto stumbling slightly backwards, his eyes glazed over in pain. Confusion overtook as he dropped to his knees. He curled up on the ground in a fetus position, only letting small whimpers of pain escaping his mouth.

Sasuke glanced at his fist in shock; did he really just do that? And he was not alone, silence swept across the yard as the young pre-genin could not believe what they had just witness. Naruto kneed Sasuke only to be brought down by one punch ; a bit too much to process.

The young scion was aware that he trumped Naruto in speed not in power, so where did that come from. Though he could remember Naruto froze a little before he punched in, maybe that had something to do with that.

He removed his gaze from his palm and return it to Iruka-sensei's whose black eyes leveled him with a terrifying look.

"Sasuke-kun?" started Iruka-sensei." Please help Naruto to the nurse?" he asked with the underlying message of _'unharmed'_. He meandered closer to the pair, taken back at the tear streaks marred on Naruto's face.

It was now safer to say his day got weird.

 **4\. This is not happening!**

He learned the hard way that the medic-nin stationed at the Academy was not an exceptionally charming individual. He was an exceptionally A plus bastard with a capital B.

In his mind the image off sweet lady in mid-50s with salt and peppered hair tied in customary messy bun was conjured up, with wrinkles that marred his face giving way to the wisdom that came with age. A broad smile plastered on her face contributing to a welcoming aura that would be excluded from the small room and for extra niceness a batch of cookies.

Not the shit he was greeted with.

Instead his acquaintance was met with a saucy chain smoking man. His hair could be politely described as a bird's mess, bags puffed out heavily under his eyes. Despite the mess of his initially appearance, Sasuke believe the man to be in mid-20s at-least if the smell was anything to go by. The young medic leaned on his chair watching the puffs of smoke escaped his lit bud, twirling around in a lazy haze. Sasuke wrinkled his nose in disgust at the garbage that littered his desk.

What irked Sasuke about the man is that he barely had the attention from him. He didn't glance his way or even give him the customary awe he received from both Shinobi and civilians alike.

"Hmm, the gaki's here again.'' He spoke in a raspy, lazy drawl. The cigarette smell punctuated with each word he said

"Hn." Giving a slight cough due to the heavy sent of burnt nicotine and other toxic chemicals. Naruto hurriedly pushed himself off him, not before giving the medic a middle finger. The bathroom was slammed shut, leaving the pair of men in silence.

He finally turned and faced Sasuke, his lazy eye giving Sasuke the up and down, almost disapprovingly before he roughly shoved a plastic bag with goods in his hands.

"Give this to the gaki when she gets out, ya hear?" Not even waiting for Sasuke to give an answer leaving him alone and Naruto in the sick bay.

Wait! Did he say she?

"…brings home a boy and not even a polite one…" Sasuke blinked his eyes in shock…what…did- nope he didn't hear anything.

 **5\. Ladies and gents it's a girl.**

'Sasuke-teme pass me the pads in the bag?" asked Naruto, whose head peaked out slightly from the bathroom door. Such a question garnered a blush on Sasuke's cheeks.

Pads… as in sanitary napkins.

As in the things girls use for their monthly friend…

He propably didn't hear that right?

The things for a girl's special area…Nope definitely didn't hear that right.

"Yes, yes, yes and yes you heard that right now can I have them?"

His whole face lit redder than a tomato, remembering the sex talk that his entire class had to endure inducing the embarrassment of the entire class. He couldn't look a girl for almost an entire month after that debacle. In retrospect it explained a lot.

"Y-you…'"Uchiha's do not stutter, he reminded himself coughing in his hands gathering his wits, still not looking Naruto in the eyes. "You're a girl?' he asked in bewilderment.

Naruto raised her eyebrow her head fully out from behind the bathroom door, tilting her head in confusion" Um yeah why ya asking?'

"Well umm….. You don't act like one!" he yelled out in a rushed, flustered way. Wildly pointing his index finger at Naruto's head, who again looked at the young Uchiha scion in perplexity?

''And how is a girl supposed to act, eh Teme?'' She asked stepping out of the bathroom, folding in her arms in defiant nature.

"Not like you!" Sasuke screeched, his whole face red due to mortification, as he tried to ignore the scantily clad young girl who only stepped out in her black spots bra with a red Uzumaki swirl emblem on the middle. And her blood stained white polka-dot undies.

"Just give me the bag," she hissed stomping over and snatching the bag from the mortified youth's hand. "Fucking weirdo asshole.''

It was now at even safer to say that this is the worst day in his entire life.

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	2. Chapter 2

**REWRITTEN VERSION.**

 **THIS IS CRACK.**

 **DISCLAIMER; I DO NOT OWN.**

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 **6\. He's a traumatized fish in the sun.**

Have you ever experienced a moment where reality itself decided that you deserve a middle finger? That after all the suffering, the whining, the stress and all that angsting, it still fucks you over. That even though you deserved a reward for all your struggles, reality and Satan were still stuck in the phase of 'It's not enough' or their personal favourite 'They need some more mayne'

That was the moment that Sasuke had found himself being swindled into.

He stood, his feet glued to sterilized floor. His expression horrified at his previous traumatizing experience-so dramatic-. 'This is not possible.' He thought forming his first coherent sentence in minutes. "Unreal," he whispered, "To unreal, this is not possible at all." He slammed his fist into palmed. "Yesss." He hissed. "This is just an elaborate plan constructed by Naruto in order to throw me off my guard." He started to laugh, shaking his head at 'Naruto's foolish 'plan'.

"Well the jokes on you bitch. I'm an Uchiha, I literally can see through your shit." In the background Kazu shook his head, staring at his cigarette, wondering what back door orgeano did they tricked him into buying.

"Kazu," Naruto screamed interrupting Sasuke's tirade" What in the name is this thing?"

"A tampon, you moron!"

"Where does it go?"

"Up your-THUD. Naruto poked her head out and leveled Sasuke's body with a look of disgust, his expression crossed between horrified and laughter.

"Something's wrong with him, like really for real, he needs some milk."

"You have no idea." Kazu groaned.

"Hey kid," the medic-nin named Kazu snapping his fingers in the lad's face. The kid didn't blink. Kazu huffed, dragging the shocked youth towards a bed hauling his ass on a cot. The Uchiha heir- _the supposedly sane one_ -dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Kazu delivered a silent prayer; closing the eyes of the young, clearly dramatic and traumatized youth. He left the room not before passing the dressed Naruto who joined him on his

"Told you he was an effin weirdo, dattebayo." She said giving the Uchiha boy her customary glare. "Seriously has me wondering if counselling is still a thing, like first his brother now him," she shivered. "Crazy must run in their family."

Kazu smiled ruffling the girl's hair fondly _'To be young and stupid again.'_ In a quick haste Naruto stick out her tongue, pulled her eyelid while simultaneously flipping the bird. He shook his head in exasperation more amused than angered as the young girl skipped away whistling a merry tune. The skipping was the most feminine thing he has ever witnessed her doing.

He cupped his hands around his mouth, "You could have brought home a polite one but noooo you had to bring home a crazy."

"Be gone Satan!"

He laughed, man he loved his day job.

 **7\. It was all a dream, a highly distressing one.**

 _Sasuke watched mesmerized by the sight or at least slightly disturbed. As the Naruto look alike stared at him. Dressed in what he deemed to be a ramen bowl. The dobe rip-off inched closer and closer to him each emphasized by the sound of her increasing murmurs. What was more disturbing is that the girl was able to perform a pirouette followed by an attitude and ended it off arabesque. She ended the dance with a killer Grand Jete. Please don't ask him how he knew those ballet moves. And don't ask how Naruto was able to defy the laws of Universe by performing these moves in a ramen bowl costume._

 _He was highly troubled at this point or became more troubled when Itachi outfitted in his anbu garb (Thank Kami), descended from the sky filled with 'Narutos'. Floating down, securely strapped by a noodle string._

 _"Its okay Sasuke this is all in your head."_

 _Safe to say Sasuke was torn between crying, laughing or throwing himself into the ramen broth sea. He took the latter option. Uchiha Sasuke at that point was done with life._

 **8\. It wasn't my day, I confess.**

Sasuke awoke with Naruto hovering over his face, with uncharacteristic move; he gave a sharp shrilly screech, head-butting Naruto who fell off the bed clutching her bruise nose. As Sasuke took the sheet and hurdled it closer to his body. His eyes the size of saucers, with his cheeks as red as a ripe tomato. His mouth kept opening and closer, pointing his shaking finger at Naruto. Who again couldn't help but examine Sasuke comparing him to this unnatural alien species.

"Y-you! W-why are over my face like that?" he cried out. Sasuke said giving Naruto the stink-eye, after all his experience with girls was not his best track record.

"I was trying to wake your ungrateful ass, ya stupid bastard!" screamed Naruto, jumping to her feet. "Ya know what Uchiha; your crazy ass has issues!"

"I don't have issues," he retorted "I just don't trust you." He said through gritted teeth eyeing the lass with a scrutinizing eye.

"Don't trust me! That should be my line, you're acting like I enjoy spending time around your crazy ass!" screamed Naruto, pulling the collar of his shirt the pair met eye to eye. Something that Sasuke found highly uncomfortable as a blush found itself on his face again.

Gathering his wits, return Naruto's scathing glare with his own "Me stupid, don't kid yourself dobe, I outrank you remember.'' He smirked, his eyes gleaming triumphantly as Naruto let him go or more like pushing him down roughly on the bed. He observe while Naruto just stood there in silence, her hair covering her sapphire like eyes.

"You're right, you do outrank me, "she started in a quiet tone, raising her head up a defiant light entered her eyes, burning with something he didn't recognize." but guess what teme. One day I will beat you and One day I will become the Hokage until then KISS MY SHODDY UNDIES TEME!" she bellowed, hurling her ruin underwear at the Uchiha scion's face. Throwing a piece sign his way the young woman ran out the room, cackling like a druggie on a quick fix.

He was afraid to touch it.

He removed it.

He will never speak of how he removed it.

What made the memory entirely worse was when Kazu entered the room, sat down on his chair. Laughed, cackled and giggled like a madman regarding the young boy with pure sympathy but still laughing his ass off. "Sucks to be you crazy."

Today was not his day.

 **9\. Its cursing time.**

"Fuck this day."

"Fuck my life.''

"Fuck you Satan!"

"Stupid fucking dobe." Cue the blush.

 **10\. The day was done.**

The nightmarish day was finally over. Well to be completely technical school was officially at an end for the day. To him that was a relief that meant no more Naruto. No more annoying fan-girls. No more! He nearly skipped home.

He trudged slowly down the near empty streets of Konoha, nearing closer towards his home. Sasuke's sullen frown became a slight smile.

His family is dead, yes he knows that but he is contented. The memories he has of them, alive and filled with blessings of life it was enough for him.

For him it was motivation, to live and to not be afraid of living, reaching the gates of the empty Uchiha Clan Compound. Sasuke stops, his eyes shining upon looking at his family's crest.

' _Life is a good thing, Sasuke-chan,' said his mother, her eyes close in a peaceful bliss, running her slender fingers through the coils of his hair. Sasuke sighed in ecstasy, taking delight in his mother's scalp massages. "Enjoy it to its fullest, always remember that life is good but it's always better when you live for someone too."_

" _Why's that?" he asked his voice slurring due to his relaxed state. She laughed, actually throwing her head back. Returning her gaze to her son Mikito's eyes open, shining with love "Because…_

"….That's the fun way." He finished a tremble in his voice.

If it wasn't the memories of his mother's sweet embraces, Him, Uchiha Sasuke would have cracked and fell apart a long time ago.

That is why he needs to live.

He needed to live his life to the fullest.

He would fulfill that wish for his mother but his brother needs to be dead first.

He doesn't care how long that would take. He needed nobody until his family was avenged.

Or so the young scion thought.

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	3. Chapter 3

**REWRITTWEN SOME PARTS**

 **ENJOY MY FRIENDS**

 **DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN**

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 **11\. My clothes are clean!**

Like any young boy, Sasuke's days were spent as a child frolicking about in the wilds of his clan compounds, playing trivial games, rolling in the mud, and building on his skills as a budding shinobi. With a tempered smile, his mother would shake her head, mumbling on her breathe before sending him off. Sasuke would only smile, laughing at his mother's angry expression when she caught sight of the grass stains and muddy spots on his clothes.

So when she passed away, learning to wash his clothes were a trial and error process for Sasuke whom up to this day barely grasp the function of doing his laundry.

'It's time do this," Sasuke cautiously sniffed his remaining two pairs of clean underwear. He gagged at the first, concluding that the second smelled like a bed of roses compared. "Thank Kami no one's living with Me.", wiggling up in boxer shorts.

"Now it's unto the clothes…and perfume as well."

Cue the stink fumes.

"Lots of it."

 **12\. I'm not that type of guy.**

"Sasuke-kun, LOOK! Over here!"

"Sasuke-kun my love, here! Here!''

"Sasuke darling you smell like a bed of roses!"

"Sasuke-kun, can't you see you're the only one for me.'' Screamed the various girls with hearts in their eyes, the hands locked together placed at their chest. Dreamy expressions adorn the faces of the girls. Their only thought was the various fantasies of Sasuke being their husband adoring them with love, power and a luxurious lifestyle.

The scowl on Sasuke's face deepened immensely, 'Shallow harpies," he thought glowering in his walk towards the academy. He clenched his fist harder, digging into his skin. "I'm not that type of guy," He said, for moment his face softened remembering the warm look of love that excluded from every pore of his mother. He sighed, "I'm just not.''

 **13\. Universe, she's not my wife.**

Hell, he was now convince existed on the planes of that earth, because no man should suffer the tireless and painful harping of two vicious monsters going back and forth, being stuck in the middle. And to think he just tried to sit down. He was stuck in the middle of the class with these demons. Somebody help him. Wait he was an Uchiha, Uchihas don't ask for help.

"Lay off Ino-buta can't you see your annoying Sasuke-kun?'' yelled Sakura, her pink hair flaying wildly curling her hands into a fist. Grabbing Sasuke's stray arm, she glared at her rival. Ino huffed from her position besides the young rookie, before hooking her arms around Sasuke and leveling Sakura with a glare of her own.

"Me lay off of Sasuke-kun, I should being saying that to you forehead!" Ino rebutted. Lightning flew between them, sizzling with ferocity and poor, poor Sasuke was stuck between two girls wondering when it would end. Struggling from their grip, Sasuke was surprised that he couldn't break free. 'Damn filthy she-beasts.'

It's not like his future wife would just bounce, floundering into the classroom or something.

"GOOD MORNING, SAKURA-CHAN!" yelled Naruto greeting Sakura, whose gripped on Sasuke slipped enough for him to break free. Her attention now turn to Naruto "Shut up you idiot can't you see how annoying you are?'' she screamed, her hands by her hip laying the girl with a menacing scowl.

Sasuke's eyes immediately bulged, Universe please for the love of his dead mother's corpse take that back!

"But Sakura-chan…..''

"No buts idiot, for the last time I'm not going out with you!''

"But…"

"NO! DAMMINT!" she screamed stomping her feet on the ground." I'm sick and tired of you asking me out, I don't want to date you, I don't like you. You're nothing but a filthy loser who will amount to nothing, so lay off. Just stay away from me! I will never ever LIKE YOU!'' She ended her scathing rant with two stomps of her feet.

Silence descended like the plague in the small academy classroom, even Sasuke watched with a look of shock on his face; admitting quietly to himself that despite Naruto's annoying nature, that rant was unneeded. Even Ino, stared at her rival with an appalled expression, taken aback at the viciousness excluding from the rant. But what shocked the class more was the expression on Naruto's face. They expected tears, or even a look of hurt, but that the got was the cold, angry expression, her blue eyes completely blank.

''You know what _Sakura-chan,_ you're right I don't want to date you at all." Naruto said folding her arms eyeing the pink girl with disdain; once again the class was in a shock. "I'm only 10 you idiot, why the hell would I want to date you and news flash sweetheart, even the guy you like wouldn't want to date you.'' Naruto finished with a sassy, exaggerated snap of her fingers. Before she hmphed and found her place right next to Shino.

It was now at this moment, Naruto's feelings for Sakura turned into pure contempt.

 **14\. That was a sad sight to witness.**

You ever watched a movie about a pair of best friends; one was a regular human being and the other a dog. Where the boy or girl was always a lost lonely orphan, filled with nothing but hate for the world but then the dog came bouncing into their life provided a ray of sunshine, at first they hated the dog due to its annoying tendencies and then they grew to love it in spite of it. Fast forward later, a cliché villain, a big adventure and a sad scene or two then they bonded for life. Then the dog struts off into the sunset.

Well if you never did, let Sasuke tell you about how he got front row ticks to the greatest comedy karma ever. Sakura being that lonely human and Naruto being that idiotic hyper- active loveable dog. It has been a full two days, since Sakura's vicious beat down of words and Naruto's own sarcastic rebuttal. And boy let him say Karma was absolutely delicious.

(Unlike the weird unrealistic friendship movies, the contempt, disgust and hatred remained.)

It was quite the sight to witness where instead of Naruto showing Sakura with love and affection she was treated to the same type behavior he got. Here's a perfect example.

"Out of my way Naruto-baka!''

"Fuck off you screeching, big ass forehead harpy!" Naruto twirled facing Sakura, both nose to nose. One could obviously see Sakura faltering never receiving such a treatment from one who was so in love with her.

"Why you-

"Why I oughta what? Huh,'' said Naruto leaning back and regaling Sakura with an arched brow. Silence descending between the pair. Naruto smirked." Face it bubble-gum reject, I ain't taking shit from you no more, dattebayo!"

"I could still-

"Do nothing or you could what?" cue the sarcastic quip" Yell at me for being stupid, when what you're clearly chasing a guy who rather eat his own shit and vomit than spend time with you!"

"Oh snap." Said Kiba, eyes bulging from his sockets. Even Chouji chips dropped from his hands, Shikamaru awoke from slumber taking in pleasure in Sakura being put in her place. Cruel as it was she had it coming.

"What's going on in here?'' asked Iruka entering the classroom, Sakura seeing her chance at victory, pointed towards Naruto who stood next to her with a bored expression "Naruto here is bullying me and saying such mean things," she said her lips, tears building at corner of her eyes. _'That will teach the loser!''_ scream Inner- Sakura giving a thumbs up.

"Really now, "Naruto sighed clearly expressing disappointment. "I expected better, you know what Iruka-sensei give me my detention or something, fucking harpy."

See comedy Karma gold. Harpy, such a befitting nick name. What made the situation entirely more hilarious was when Naruto plopped down in the seat adjacent to Sasuke, blowing Sakura mocking kisses while Sakura was at the bottom of stairs brewing in anger.

He was taken back when Naruto blew him a kiss and winked at him an infectious grin playing on her face. Let's make it clear universe he wasn't blushing.

 **15\. Stop teasing me!**

"How cute, "drawled the voice of Kazu. A clear picture of amusement painted his face, taking in the sight of the young Sasuke quivering under the sheets of one of the cots in infirmary. "Hiding from your fans?" he asked chuckling at the glare he received.

"Hn. I'm not scared of them."

"I never said so," he said still laughing. Sasuke clenched his fist, the bastard nurse was clearly making fun of him. "You know Naruto talks about you a lot."

"What?" his eyebrows rose in comical levels, why the dobe would be talk about him, he thought trying to calm the down the growing blush on his face. All she does is curse his name every time they're in the same vicinity. "Wow," Sasuke yelped backing away in a hurry as Kazu got right up and personal in his face.

"Why did you do that?" he asked to trying to maintain his calm façade. With a supposed clueless look on his Kazu answered.'' Just trying to see what Naruto's says is true,'' he paused adopting a thinking position. His eyes roamed Sasuke figure up and down invoking feelings of nervousness in the boy. He blushed slightly he didn't care what that class reject thought about him.

"She's right you are a pretty boy." He smirked. ''with a pretty face and an irresistible presence. I mean she even yaps about your handsome body all the time.''

"S-she thinks I-I'm p-pretty," he stuttered his previous assessment of Naruto thrown out the window ,'' but she hates me, she curses me all the time!" he yelled denying his claims." she told me herself that she'll rip my tongue straight though my ass! No normal girl talks like that!"

"Loves comes in different forms you know," said Kazu chewing on a piece of chocolate. _Where he get that from?_ "I mean ignoring her nasty tongue, vicious temper, inexcusable manners and horrible tact she's still a girl you know. There are some things a girl can appreciate in a man." He finished popping another piece of chocolate in his mouth.

"I don't believe you." He said in denial making crossing motions with his hands. He was so caught up in his head he missed Naruto entering the room carrying a bento in her hand.

Naruto raised an eyebrow staring at Sasuke's bizarre behavior. _'What a stinking weirdo.'_ She thought gawking at Sasuke who was busy talking to himself; it was even more disturbing was the blushing and combination mad, chaotic laughter. She scowled and to think girls her age was _'in love'_ with this screwball.

"Here," she said shoving the bento box in the nurse's hands. He smile slightly at the girl, who was blushing so fiercely in embarrassment, her arms folded in a defiant manner refusing to meet his eyes" It's a thank you gift, stuff like that." He smirked as she scurried out his office. _'To be young and in love.'_

He sweat dropped glancing back at Sasuke who was still caught up in denial. 'And to be stupid,'' he sighed as the mutterings of oddball child increase louder ''very stupid.''

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	4. Chapter 4

**Review, all that jazz. Remember I'm trying to be funny and failing hard**

 **REWRITTEN SOME PARTS**

 **by the way, this is crack.**

 **this story stopped making sense since chapter 1.**

 **I'm serious**

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 **Disclaimer: I don't own shit**

 **16\. Rivals?**

It took the young Uchiha heir awhile to process this newly acquired piece of peculiar information. Even if he attempted to use 'smart' words to describe the strange encounter with new 'rival'. Sasuke groaned into the palm of his hands; the encounter between him and his 'rival' still fresh in his mind. He sighed capturing the attention of his fans and his rivals, in particular the odd Hyuuga heir. For a moment their eyes met where they were lost in a different world. It was truly a magical moment where Hinata made slicing motions by her neck, and Sasuke in return sent her his fiercest glare, and a trusty middle finger _. 'Try me bitch!'_

Iruka who had witnessed the little exchanged face palmed, oh to be young again!

 **17\. Flashback in this bitch!**

Sasuke could have choked on his spit after the ballsy declaration that was spewed from the mouth of Hinata, standing before Sasuke in a quivering mess, her eyes brimming with tears, snot hanging from her nose and her mouth twisted into a rotten sneer. It left both him and lazy nurse flabbergasted.

"Care to repeat that statement." Asked Kazu her eyebrows permanently raised into his hairline, his eyes widening in sheer disbelief. Sasuke blinked three times wishing he had the powers of Dorothy so that he could just go home and put an end to this weird day.

"I said, "She began in a clear strong voice her body shaking violently "stay away from Naruto-kun!"

"You can't make me!" He said. It is not that he wouldn't stay away from the obnoxious blonde. On the contrary his body acted on the automatic and steered clear from the crazy blonde less he got soiled underwear in his face _again_.

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"I will!"

"I would love to see you try!" His pride would not allow him to obey the demands of this mousy female. Hell would have to freeze over.

She glared. "I warning you Uchiha to stay away or there will be consequences."

"By the way," Kazu said interrupting the stared down between the young heirs."Why were you crying?"

As if a switch had been pulled Hinata instantly reverted to her awkward shy self. "A-a-anger m-m-makes m-me c-cry." She admitted her face stained tomato red as she twiddled in her fingers.

"Fucking weirdo." Sneered Sasuke

"Bastard Uchiha!" cried Hinata.

"I am no-

"CHILDREN!" yelled the nurse. "You're in a school, we speak polite language here." He admonished with a stern glare.

It was at that moment, the world turned in slow motion, Sasuke swore he saw Heaven's gate way. To be honest, if the young Uchiha ever looked back on this day; he would tell how he came to hate his actual rival Hinata Hyuuga.

Hinata- _god damned her soul_ -turn her facing the nurse. With a steely glint in pale lavender eyes, and serious expression on her face. She opened her mouth" Oh we do…" she paused in contemplation. "It's just I don't fucking care."

Silence descending like the black plague.

Beads of sweat dripped like a storm, Sasuke glanced nervously between the doctor and Hinata who was refusing to back down. Sasuke watched as the nurse silently rummaged through his drawer pulling out…is that a hand soap? What's he gonna do with that? Sasuke thought. He face shifted into a sullen expression oh fuck-

"Children," Kazu drawled a dark aura swarming around his lanky body." Such dirty, dirty mouths." he grinned, his teeth sharp and jagged like a shark's.

Suffice to say Sasuke would forever detest the scent and taste of hand soap used within these academic premises

 **18\. Its cursing time again!**

"Fuck this day."

"Fuck that nurse and his dumb soap."

"Fuck that weirdo."

"Fucking dobe." cue yet another blush.

 **19\. I'm learning I swear!**

Sasuke was not staring the Naruto. His eyes were not trained on the back of the blonde's head nor was he exchanging glares with Hinata much to the confusion of classmates.

"…During the reign of Nidaime certain procedures such as…"

He was not paying attention to dobe.

He was certainly not paying attention to that damn rotten female, who looked so cute with her face scrunched in confusion dammit!

Did he say cute, he means ugly, yes ugly

"…Surprisingly the Inuzuka initiative remained in play, seeing that it only benefit…"

He sighed, ignoring the swooning of those rapid female beasts. He was definitely not glancing at Naruto, whose tongue was poking out in rapid concentration. Yep not paying attention at all.

"That's why Sasuke would explain the rest of lesson to us, right Sasuke-kun?" Iruka smile sweetly at Sasuke's. "After all you were paying such rapt attention to our favourite blonde deviant, I simple assumed you can finished this lesson."

Ignoring the outraged looks of his female's classmates and males alike, Sasuke meekly turned facing Iruka "I'm learning I swear."

He got detention.

Fuck his life. Just fuck it!

 **20\. Whose that dog?**

"You need to stay away."

Sasuke paused in his katas; jumping on the defense he quickly scanned the area trying to identify that unknown voice.

"Stay away from Uzumaki Naruto."

His eyes darting rapidly, scouring the training grounds, failing to locate the body belonging that voice. Sweat prickled his skin; he could feel his body shaking in trepidation, who was this person? What did they want with him? He did nothing wro-

A Voice whispered in his ears. "Just friendly advice from your neighborhood dog." And then the voice along with the chilling presence vanished leaving the Uchiha scion confused.

"Uzumaki Naruto, who are you?" he whispered.

Today was not his day, and that's a given.

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 **REVIEW AND ALL THAT JAZZ**

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	5. CHAPTER 5

**This is the characters outside the Sasuke spectrum that's commenting on the wackiness that is obviously going on. Guys I have rewritten some parts of story so please go back and read.**

 **Disclaimer: Belongs to Kishimoto, I can't afford a series soo big.**

 **remeber this stopped making sense since shapter  
**

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 **1\. Shikamaru.**

Love, he decided had hit Uchiha Sasuke like a well aimed kunai.

Shikamaru held back the grimaced glancing at the Uchiha heir who in turn was staring at their favourite blonde with such a rapt attention; he could swear that the boy was praying to his patron god. The enamored expression that captivated his face scared him, but what frightened to the core were not the jealous looks of both Ino and Sakura, but the love stuck adoration that captivated the entire male population of their classroom besides him and Shino of course.

There academy break had wrecked, destroyed and completely gotten rid of the old Naruto. Instead it was replaced by this, "Female Goddess," whispered one of many worshippers. He shivered, the memories of this morning causing him physically pain.

 _"_ _Holy shit!"_

 _"_ _Who's this beauty?"_

 _"_ _My eleven year old beating heart cannot take the sight of this whimsical maiden, whose golden light has enshrouded us all to bask in her celestial presence!"_

 _It was then the young Nara decided to raise his completely disturbed by his classmate's imitation of poetry only to have his jaw ripped off and sewn back hastily witnessing this obviously new person, but the blonde hair did look familiar. His eyes widened, Naru-_

 _"_ _Naruto!'' screeched Sakura. "Get rid of that shoddy henge!"_

 _"_ _Shoddy!"The blonde starting advancing threateningly, waving her clench fist."I'LL SHOW YOU SHODDY!"_

 _Shikamaru fascinatingly drank in the sight of this obvious destruction and reconstruction of the human body. From her blonde, now shoulder length hair with the curls coming inwards, to glossy sheen coating her lips, to lights that reflected off her ears. He nearly choked on his spit with her clothes. Gone was the abomination deliver via the Ninja Satan, instead it was replaced by an even bigger threat to his sanity._

 _She was wearing his cropped orange sleeveless orange hoddie, that's tight enough to show that she was far ahead of her female compadres in that department. Right now to the tanned smoothness of her navel, and Kami up above don't get him started on that atrociousness sanity diminishing mini skirt. Who wears orange mini skirt with short slits at the side?_

 _He could clasp his hands in prayer. "Father up above give me strength."_

Sakura's annoying screeching slammed his ass right back into the crock of reality.

"You common slut!"

"Up your ass pinky!"

Only for him to turn around getting an eyeful of Naruto's blue underwear. He groaned into his hands. Somebody just help him.

 **2\. Iruka.**

"I'm one of the four horse man of the apocalypse." He whispered in dread.

"I created this…I'm a monster."

"I should have never let him take her to the nurse."

Staring at his shakings hands,"I'm the root of all evil." He collapsed on the counter in a puddle of tears.

Ayame just ignored the school teacher focusing her attention on another customer, who obviously was a bit disturbed by the aura of depression that surrounded the young teacher.

"Iruka what's th-".her father, Teuchi placed his hands on her shoulder, shaking his head. He removed his hat placing it on his chest.

"With great power comes great responsibility," pausing dramatically." and Iruka here has abused his, he shall now learn from his mistakes."

Ayame sweat dropped. "I put up with too much."

 **3\. Kakashi.**

The smell of smoke permeated the air, Kakashi smiled poking the ashes of that orange abominate his pseudo sister had once called her ninja outfit. He wrinkled his nose and sighed at the thought of her entering the life of shinobi, the one that took everything from him.

Why couldn't she understand that this was for the best?

Let him keep her safe, but she persisted in her screams of fighting back against the harshness of the world.

Couldn't she understand that all he wanted to do was protect from every danger hidden in the shadows.

He sighed his shoulder slumping that's the least he could do for his sensei. Unlike he felt a rock slammed into the back of his head causing him to topple over in a heap. "Sensei forgive me."

"That's what you get for burning my shit asshole!" she cackled running away, leaving Kakashi socked, and surprised warmth fill his heart as he stood up looking at het retreating visage

"You're dead meat Naru."

 **4.** **Hinata.**

The old witch was taken aback when the doll resembling the last loyal remaining Uchiha of the village was slammed onto her counter by the Hyuuga Heiress.

With a fierce byugukan induced glare pointed in her, she waited with the patience of a saint for the girl to start her infamous tirades. "All I ask is for one simple thing and that was for this doll to grant me the powers of destroying Uchiha Sasuke, that's it, that's all. But No! Instead you give me this crock of nonsense and expect me to work with it, how am I supposed to protect Naruto-kun from him, how? HOW!"

The witched sighed completely unperturbed by Hinata's rant, "Look you bi-polar weirdo, he's obviously protected by some God…I don't care if your faith in god is fickle…I just don't…do me a solid and stay away from me.''

"You know what I will!" Hinata hmphed and stamped out the small shop, vowing to find someone who can actually do something. Clutching the doll tightly in her hand. "Maybe I should take matters into my own hands."

The witch's eyes twitch dangerously. "This place is filled with crazy people.

 **5\. Naruto with a hint of lazy.**

She sneezed.

Sasuke sneezed.

She walked a little faster, he too walked faster.

She stopped, he stopped as well.

"Stop following me!" she screamed breaking off into a sprint panicked overtook her body remembering today's events. Until she slammed right into Shikamaru the two toppling over in heap.

She groaned rubbing her bruised head. 'SHIKA, you gotta help me, I could swear it on my parents' graves, he's stalking me, Sasuke-teme wants to sell my soul and give it to the devil in exchange for power."

Shikamaru blinked, "What?"

"He's one those people." She whispered conspiringly.

Shikamaru just flopped back onto the ground, folding his arms beneath his head and gazing at the clouds just tuning out his good friend.

"…I could just imagine it Shika, him dancing on my mutilated body…".

Pretending that world was normal.

"…He gonna eat my heart just like that cannibal on TV…".

That Naruto wasn't this pretty girl or that Uchiha didn't have issues.

"…I'm gonna die…".

Yep, Pretending.

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 **dont forget to review and all that jazz**


	6. BREAK!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

For those who are wondering when the next chapter of The Mortifying Tales of a Flustered Youth, you'll will have to wait until August because life's a bitch. I just finished the biggest exams of my life, not to mention I'm preparing for graduation and also job hunting. That's right I'm going to be unemployed for a while. So sit still and be patient until the 24th of August where I'll be hitting you with not one but twooo chapters of my fanfic.

Please be patient with me.


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